


A Maiden's Heart and Other Girly Parts

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America's POV, Crack, F/M, Flying Mint Bunny - Freeform, Genderbending, Het, Het and Slash, M/M, Smut, lulz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-27
Updated: 2012-08-27
Packaged: 2017-11-12 23:38:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/496947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>England gets tired of America never letting him top, so he uses his magic to temporarily turn America into a girl. With the help of England's magical friends, they teach him a memorable lesson about the importance of bottoming. AWWWWW. USUK and UK/femUS, crack. Also, there's some smut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Maiden's Heart and Other Girly Parts

**Author's Note:**

> Hell must have frozen over, because holy shit, I actually wrote het! Well, close enough.
> 
> This one is really, really cracky, and silly. Even more than I usually write. But there's smut too, so enjoy.
> 
> America's POV.

Normally after sleeping with England, I woke him up by repeatedly poking him in the side with my morning wood. Just like POKE POKE POKE with my penis. I'd keep nudging until one of two things happened. He'd either get pissed and tell me to fuck off, or he'd give in and let me climb on top of him for some sexings. It was about a 50/50 shot, depending on his mood, hehe.

But that morning, when I slid over on the bed and spooned him, things didn't go as usual. When I went to poke England, I realized I had nothing to poke him with! And I don't mean I was flaccid. I HAD NO PENIS AT ALL D:

I was like, where'd you go, little buddy? ! I mean, penises don't just get up and walk away! Especially if you treat them good, and you guys, I definitely treated mine well. I clean it and exercise it and pet it all the time! It was a perfectly good penis and now it was GONE!

"What the heck," I whispered to myself. I sat up and went to feel between my legs. I needed to know what CRAZINESS was going on down there! But not only did I find no penis, but I realized my view was slightly obscured by two large breasts on my chest!

And I do mean LARGE. I had a pretty nice rack. Like Dolly Parton or Pamela Anderson or Drew Carey.

I flipped the fudge out. I looked at my hands, to see how much I was shaking in fear, and realized they were smaller than I remembered. This was NOT how I looked last night! OH NO. Last night I was quite manly! Like as manly as that guy on a horse in the Old Spice commercial! (Except I'm white.)

I distinctly remembered not only having a penis, but thoroughly fucking England into the mattress with it last night. And now something with amiss. (GET IT? A MISS? LOLOLOLOL puns.)

I hopped out of bed and went to find my clothes. They were thrown all around the room because last night as I was stripping I was just like WHOOO SEXY STRIP TEASE, twirling a piece of clothing on my finger before just letting it be tossed wherever. In hindsight, that wasn't a good idea. But then again, hindsight is 4/20.

Luckily I did find most of my clothes. I found my shirt first, which looked much too big on me now, even despite my huge boobs to help fill it out. I didn't find my boxers but I found my pants, and was awkwardly trying to step into them as fast as I could, when I heard a voice.

"Nice arse."

I had one leg in the pants, and one still out. I stood frozen like that as I glanced back. There I saw England, lying on his side, leering at me. Hungrily. Like how I leer at Wendy's Baconators THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN!

Anyway, my ass was right directly in England's line of vision.

"What a lovely sight to wake up to," he said with a smirk.

I quickly finished putting the rest of the pants on, stumbling with the other leg. "What did you do to me? !" I yelled, pulling the pants up and zipping them.

Pervy England just kept leering at my body! He flicked his eyes up and down it, ogling me like a piece of meat. I wish I still had MY piece of meat, GRRR! (That was a metaphor for my penis for those of you who are not literarily well read, such as myself.)

"Oh, you don't like it?" asked England, still smirking. "It was custom made for you."

I crossed my arms modestly, trying to hide my sweet tits. He didn't deserve to see my milkshake which I am sure would bring many boys to the yard. "What. The. FUCK. Did you do? !"

"Tsk." England sat up, pushing the covers aside. "That language is not very lady-like."

"That's because I'm not a lady! I'm a DUDE, dude!"

England grabbed me by the wrist, startling me. "Not for the next twenty-four hours. You're all woman."

I blinked, confused. "Huh?"

Then England yanked me! I yelped, because I wasn't used to being so light. I mean, not that I was fat as a guy or anything. I was just all muscular like a BAMF. Muscle weighs more than fat. Did you know that? WELL NOW YOU DO. I'm a regular Wikipedia article over here. You're welcome, boys and girls :)

Anyway, being manhandled was a new experience to me. I squealed when England easily pulled me onto the bed beside him.

I quickly scrambled to sit up. "Hey!" I snapped. "Don't just yank me around like that! Rude!"

"Sorry." England petted my hair down. That one hair curl, Nantucket, had stuck up when I fell. He looked surprised that when he smoothed it down, it actually stayed down. "I'll have to remember to be gentle with you."

I smacked away England's hand. "Yeah, you – wait." I noticed the way England was leering at me again, and realized what he meant. "Oh – OH, NO! You are not gonna do what you're thinking about doing! No way, dude!"

England ran his hand along the inside of my thigh. My womanly thigh. I guess he'd never seen me sit Indian style like that. Why is that turning him on …? "But that's the whole reason I did this."

England touched me in a place or way that made me feel uncomfortable. And that's NO GOOD. "So you did do this! I knew it!" I said.

England's hand went higher. "Of course I did it. But it was your damned selfishness that drove me to it."

"WHAT! Don't blame this on me!"

"You never let me top. It's always you, no matter what," bitched England. His hand went high enough to run out of thigh. His fingers traced to the zipper, though it was hardly necessary. Them darn pants were so big on me now that I could slip out of them even zipped up. "I even ask sometimes, and you have some excuse, or you whine like a child until you get your way. Hell, you won't even perform oral sex for me anymore. You always whine that it tastes bad, even though I'll do it for you. It's not fair."

I smacked England's hand. England wrenched it back, because he forgot despite being lighter, this was still AMERICA he was dealing with. HELLS YEAH. Penis or no penis, I still got my super-strength, y'all. And that slap stung way more than he expected, haha!

"Okay, I'm sorry, all right? !" I said all defensively. "It's not that big of a deal! You didn't have to do all this, jeez!"

England rubbed his stinging hand. "I suppose I didn't. But I wanted to teach you a lesson."

"How did you even do this anyway? !"

"It's a spell," said England. "A very difficult one that took me quite some time to prepare. Luckily I had plenty, since you only lasted a couple minutes last night."

"WHAAA!" I choked.

"Yet another reason I should top," sighed England. "You're usually premature, and have absolutely no finesse or technique. Just in-and-out humping, like some sort of horny rabbit."

"Wha – you — I — look, it's — GRRR! SCREW YOU, ENGLAND!"

"Pity the spell doesn't make you actually act more lady-like …"

I couldn't believe England. Chopping off my penis like a regular Lorena Bobbit. WTF! Me and my penis were BFF's. We've been through some good times together, like when I first banged England, or first discovered Internets porn, or first discovered another use for a banana peel. We were so close it was like we were attached at the hip! Wait …

"How could you do this to me? !" I sobbed. "I mean, literally! How did you do this to me? ! Magic isn't even real!"

"It's very real."

Oh yeah. I forgot that England is crazy. He believes magic and fairies and Teletubbies are real. If David Blaine couldn't make me a believer, there was no way England was. Sitting in a box of ice for days? Dude, that's not magic. Canada does that every day in his igloo.

Just then, I realized England was staring at my breasts. My shirt was too big on me, but I didn't have a bra. "HEY!" I snapped. "My eyes are up HERE!"

"Sorry," said England. But he didn't stop staring at my chest.

"I can't believe you did this to me," I said, pissed off. "Because I need to take a wicked piss and how the hell am I gonna do that now without my penis? It was my little firehose and I — HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? !"

I'll tell you what he was doing. He was easing me back onto the bed. Ugh, I hated that he was bigger than me now! He pushed me down onto the mattress, climbing on top of me.

"Get your mouth off me."

England straddled over me. He pressed his mouth to my neck. He moaned against it, and then I felt him grind his morning wood against me. Right over my clothed … uh … girl parts.

I guess he wanted me to give in, to ~yield my flesh like a smitten young maiden~ . In other words, put out and let him bang me. Psssh, screw that.

It was when I felt him cup one of my boobs that I did it. I shoved him off of me. I shoved him so hard he fell off the bed and onto the floor.

"I SAID I HAD TO TAKE A PISS!" I roared. I am woman hear me roar! RAAAAR!

"Ughh …" groaned England from the floor.

I hopped off the bed. "And I ain't coming back in here. I want breakfast a lot more than I want your dick."

England rubbed his head. "Jesus … you still act so unladylike …"

"I told you! I'M NOT A WOMAN! You can take the penis out of a man but you can never take the man out of the penis." I hesitated. "Uh … not sure if I said that right, but you know what I meant. MY PENIS IS IN MY HEART!"

"… what?"

"YOU HEARD ME."

I went down the hall and to the bathroom. I stood over the toilet like I normally do, but then I realized I was probably gonna piss down my legs if I did it that way. So I sat down on it. I sighed. Sitting and peeing. Few things are more emasculating …

I tried. OH HOW I TRIED. I thought about leaky faucets and babbling brooks and Slurpee machines. But it just wouldn't happen. I couldn't pee. I didn't know how to do it with lady parts.

I hadn't even looked at them yet. I guess I was just so distracted by my extremely full bladder. I downed a lot of Gatorade after banging England last night. Gotta get my electrolytes! Sex makes you lose a lot of electrolytes. Those two minutes were very invigorating.

Anyway, I spread my legs and peered down. I needed to see what I was working with here! I poked out my tongue in concentration, couldn't see and leaned a little farther down, started to spread myself with my hands to see—

"HI THERE!"

"GAHHHH!" I exclaimed. I immediately sat up and closed my legs. "THE HELL? !"

Floating beside me was a green bunny looking thing with wings. He was smiling brightly.

"How are you this beautiful morning? !" it asked.

I started shaking out of fear and glanced around. Then I saw that on the other side of me, were more fairies, who looked like little pixies. And smoky ball looking things that reminded me of the Pokemon Ghastly. Y'all know what I'm talking about. First generation Pokemans were the best! SUCK IT OTHER 874 ONES I DON'T EVEN KNOW!

And right in front of me was a unicorn. Yes, a unicorn. "Neeeigh," it said.

I immediately pulled up my pants and tried to bolt for the door. But the pants were still too big on me, and I tripped and fell on the bathroom floor.

"OOF!"

"Don't be scared!" said the flying rabbit thing that looked like a green Pikachu happily. "We're your new friends!"

"Yes!" said one of the pixies. The other pixies were smiling and nodding. "We're so happy to finally meet you!"

Welp. I guessed I solved that not being able to pee problem. Because I wet myself in fear :(

"W-w-what the hell is going on? !" I stammered, shivering in my wet, cold pants. "I'm hallucinating! Oh God did I take bath salts? ! I don't wanna eat anyone's face off! I'm on a diet right now and—"

"Whoa, calm down!" said the minty fairy. "You're not hallucinating and everything is jolly good! No — jolly GREAT! Here, let me introduce myself, I'm Flying Mint Bunny." Then he smiled all cutely like :3

"JESUS CHRIST! What the hell kind of drugs did England slip me? !" I exclaimed. "I am tripping BALLS right now!"

"No, you are not under the influence of anything, you silly goose!" said Flying Mint Bunny. "Nothing except LOVE! Awww. Group hug!"

Then they all hugged me at once.

"AWWWWW!" they all said together.

I trembled in the middle. "Y-y-you're touching me."

They pulled away, smiling. "Allow me to explain, dear!" said FMB. Imma call him that from now on, because 'Flying Mint Bunny' is hella long to write, you guys. "You see, you've never been able to see us before, because you were impure."

"So sad!" said another one of the pixies. "We've wanted to meet you for so long! We could see you, but you couldn't see us. So tragic!"

"I cried," said one of the smoky orbs.

"WHOA you can talk," I said, very surprised. I thought he was just like … a spooky presence. But no, he could talk too, and not just his Pokemon name Ghastly. Maybe if he stopped all that crying like a pussy he'd evolve into Haunter, am I right?

"You didn't have a maiden's heart," said FMB. "And without a maiden's heart, you were invisible to us."

"But now you do have a maiden's heart!" said another pixie. "England's magic has transformed you and restored your purity!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa – STOP." Hammertime. "Are you saying that this new body of mine is virginal, and that's why I can see you now? Because if so, PFFFT!"

They looked confused.

"I'm confused," said FMB.

"Well, England can see you," I said. "And England is SO not a virgin. I bang him all the time."

"It's not about virginity," said FMB. "It's about having a maiden's heart."

"BUT MY PENIS IS IN MY HEART!"

I told that to England earlier. Did these fairies get it? I'm not a real woman. I'm a dude, trapped inside a woman's body. And not like the terrifying condition called penis captivus (look it up, you guys … there's even a Wikipedia article for it!). No, I mean I am actually factually a guy who somehow woke up as a chick! But y'all already knew that from reading. Good job, you guys :)

Wait a minute. Did this mean England has a maiden's heart? LOLOLOLOL. Oh God that is hilarious.

"Look," I started. "Just because I now physically have a 'maiden's' … or female heart, doesn't mean I'm any different. I'm still a dude and I'm still acting like one."

"Oh, America …" FMB suddenly nuzzled against my cheek. I heard him purr. "Precious little America. Don't overanalyze these things. If only England did something about that scientific heart of yours as well! If we've wanted to meet you for so long and finally have something close enough to an excuse to appear to you, is that such a bad thing?"

"So you cheated."

FMB gave a little wave. "Noooooo~! We don't cheat. It's just a loophole, is all. Only those with a maiden's heart can see us, you are now technically a maiden — a young, unmarried woman — and you must have a heart to pump blood. Thus you have a maiden's heart and have gained The Sight."

"It was Smokey's idea," said one of the pixies.

"Yes, yes, quite well done, chap," said FMB. They all nodded and did like tiny golf claps for him. "Quite good."

"Aww, you guys …" said Smokey, of the orbs, all bashfully.

"Here, America," said one of the pixies, holding up a glowing wand. "To show our goodwill to you."

"Huh?"

Suddenly I wasn't in my oversized, pee-stained dude clothes anymore. I was suddenly in a cute, pink dress that didn't have any pee on it at all! But I'm not sure how well I could say it fit. It was short as hell.

"Jeez!" I said, tugging down the skirt part. "Could you give me a little MORE slutty dress? !"

"Sure! If that's what you wish, America dear!" said FMB all happily like ^-^

"WHAA – NO! I was being sarcastic! Are y'all trying to make me look like a whore? I mean, look …" I pointed to my cleavage, which you could see pretty damn well in this slutty outfit. "Do I really need to be showing all that?"

"England likes it! We're just following his ord—"

"NEEEEIGH!" said the unicorn frantically, cutting of FMB.

"OOPS! Thanks, Butterscotch! Almost gave it away, tee hee!"

"You know what? Screw all y'all." I started for the door. "I'm leaving and going to hide somewhere all day until the twenty four hours is up and England is never gonna get to enjoy my lumps, my lumps, my lovely lady lumps."

"No, America!" called FMB. "Wait!"

"Nope! Y'all can suck my big, low-swinging … oh." I went to reach down for my balls to rudely gesture for them to suck them, but ALAS! My balls were gone. I just got a handful of girly bits. "… dangit …"

"You can't leave!" said one of the pixies. "We didn't just appear to you for hugging!"

"Oh, but we should do that again!" said FMB cheerily.

"Oh, yes! Let's!"

And then they were hugging me again.

"AWWWWW GROUP HUG!" said FMB as they all snuggled up on me.

"Arrgh stop hugging me!" I shouted. "You're in my personal space!"

They let me go, and I noticed the room was getting weird. Black smoke was swirling all around the bathroom. I couldn't even see the bathroom stuff anymore as it got thicker and thicker and creepier and creepier.

"OH MY GOD GHASTLY ARE YOU EVOLVING? !" I shouted.

"No," said Smokey.

"We are taking you on an adventure, my dear America," said FMB. "A very exciting adventure!"

All this black smoke was scary looking! What the heck kind of adventure was this? Going to Hell and seeing Satan isn't exactly my first choice for a field trip! "C-c-can't we just bake cookies together or something? That's an adventure."

FMB gasped. "AMERICA! You can't say that! Just because the Keebler elves do that doesn't mean we do. That was very racist."

"Oh. Sorry."

I couldn't see anymore. The smoke was too thick. And sparkly, like Edward Cullen in the sun. I couldn't stop coughing.

Then I stopped coughing. And opened my eyes. The toilet and sink and the bit of pee I'd left on the bathroom mat was gone! The whole bathroom was gone! Now I was somewhere strange, yet familiar. It looked like the inside of a tent. And not the good kind with a circus I mean the kind you have at war!

"Wait a minute," I said, squinting my eyes and rubbing my chin in deep thought. "I remember this place …"

"Indeed!" chirped FMB. All the magical creatures were still around me. "Using our magic, we have transported you back in time! Welcome back to 1944, in the thick of the brutal second World War. This was your tent back on the battlefield."

"Damnit, why'd you tell me! I would have gotten it if you just gave me some more time, jeez." Hard to forget the smell of napalm! Boy, that stuff really clears out your sinuses! Makes Claritin look like little pieces of shit, am I right?

"Do you remember this?" FMB pointed with his nubby little paw to my cot. Me and England were on it, making out.

"WTF!" I exclaimed, actually saying the letters because I'm cool like that. "I can see myself! And this isn't a mirror because I'm a chick now and that's a dude and also I'm not currently making out with England on a bed!"

"We told you, America, dearie!" said one of the pixies. Imma call all them Tinkerbelle from now on. "This is the past. This has already happened. They are your past selves and cannot see or hear you," said Tinkerbelle.

"BOOOO I'M A GHOOOOST!" I hollered, waving my arms around.

No response. My past self and England just kept on making out.

"Dang. I guess they really can't see or hear me."

"Knock that off," scolded Tinkerbelle, bopping me on the head with her tiny wand. "And act like a proper lady. Also, proper ladies do not adjust their breasts in public."

"But it's uncomfortable!" I whined as I pulled at the underwire. "You wouldn't understand since you're like an A cup and I've got tits like a Hooters girl over here — OUCH!"

She bopped me harder. "Don't use that kind of language!"

"America, what do you remember about this scene?" asked FMB.

"Hmm." I watched it. Past America and England were still making out, but starting to undress in between kisses. "… yeeeeah. I do remember this. This was when England and me first starting hooking up. I mean, not the first time, but one of the first times."

"Good job, America!" beamed FMB. "You get a biscuit as a reward!"

"What am I, a dog? OOH WAIT—are they the kind with gravy from KFC? Those are my fav — oh." FMB handed me a tiny cookie. Well, I do like cookies. Who doesn't? If you don't like cookies you can GTFO. "Mmm," I said as I ate it. "Disappointing that I thought the raisins were chocolate chips, but still not bad."

I looked back over and past me and England were completely naked! I spewed cookie bits everywhere.

"GAAAHHH!" I exclaimed. "We're naked! Why are y'all pervy fairies watching this? ! Don't look! THIS IS A PRIVATE MOMENT!"

"We watch," said Smokey.

"WHAAA!"

"Indeed!" said FMB, still so annoyingly happily. "We're usually in the room! I myself often lay at the end of the bed whilst you enchant England's secret garden with your sword of manhood."

:I

This was all kinds of fucked up! I mean, England didn't even kick them out? ! WTF! He could see them while we were doing it and he didn't even care? ! I don't even like it when the dog is in the room. I don't have a dog, that's why I was especially upset when I realized one was watching me getting it on that time. That's what I get for leaving the front door open, I guess! That's not the only time something like that happened. One time an owl came in. But I didn't chase him out because I hoped he'd give me my Hogwarts letter. But he never did, he was just a regular ass owl :(

"Oh God," my past self whimpered. England was all over me. He straddled over me, mouthing at my chest, as he gripped my cock. He started to pump it.

I (REAL ME) waved my arms frantically. "Seriously! You guys! Stop watching! THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND ENGLAND!"

"Nope!" chirped FMB. "You will understand in due time, hehe!"

"Shit … England …" continued my past self, squirming under England. I heard England chuckle. "That feels so good, unff …"

My face was so red with embarrassment! I couldn't believe these freaky ass creatures were watching this! My special intimate moment! I mean, if I wanted others to see I would have done it out on the battleground for all the soldiers and our bosses and even the enemy to see. Imagine the look on Germany's face though, LOL! "SCHEISSE AMERICA'S PUTTING HIS WURST IN ENGLAND'S SAUERKRAUT SACRE BLEU!" or however the hell Germans talk.

But anyway, I didn't do that! Because it's private, duh! That's what God invented beds and tents and outhouses for.

Now, (or then?) England wasn't just pumping my cock. He'd pressed his up against mine, and was stroking them together. We were both grunting and moaning and pre-cumming all over the place. It was hot.

"Ohhh, I am so upset, how dare you do this to me, I will never forgive you guys …" I said, kinda distracted, as I slowly and nonchalantly raised my iPhone to record this sexy moment.

FMB knocked it out of my hand.

"HEY!" I yelled. "Steve Jobs gave that to me! Show some respect for my dead friend! … Steve Jobs died, right? Or was that Bill Gates …"

"Pay attention, America!"

FMB was a bossy little thing. It's a good thing England never used a Thunderstone on him and evolved him into something that looked like a green Raichu or he'd be even bossier.

Back on the cot, England released our cocks. My past self whimpered a little, I guess because I missed being jerked off. Being jerked off feels good. Anyway, England sat up on me. And looked down at me.

Oh God how I wanted to record this. It would make excellent fapping material later!

(I'd say now but there was no way I'd do that in front of those fairies and also I didn't have my penis anymore.)

Past England smirked down at past me, with hooded eyes. "God. I want you so badly."

My past self ran my hands up England's sides. England gasped and arched into the touch. "Me too," my past self whispered back. My hands smoothed back down his sides and rested on his hips. "I meant I wanted you, not myself, haha."

"I figured," said past England as he leaned over to get the lubricant.

"If any of y'all get off to this I'm gonna be PISSED," I told to all the magical creatures. "Because seriously. NOT COOL."

"I lack a penis," said Smokey.

"WELL THAT MAKES TWO OF US."

Past England popped open the lube. He squirted some on his fingers and smirked down at past me. I smirked back up at him.

"Look how handsome I looked back then," I sighed dreamily.

"You look exactly the same in your male state," said Tinkerbelle.

"Oh, stop!" I said giddily, giving her a wave.

Past England rubbed the lubricant between his fingers. Past me was all excited, looking up at him like :D That's the usual face I make during sex. Don't hate.

Past England leaned down, still smirking, still slicking his fingers, and … stuck them inside me? !

Past me instantly went D:

"Aw, crap," said real me. "I remember this."

"WHOA WHOA!" yelped past me. I shoved England. Like, hard. England almost fell off the cot. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? !"

"DON'T FUCKING SHOVE ME!" yelled England. "THAT HURT, SHIT!"

Current me sighed. "Me and England's first fight."

"What about that whole Revolutionary War thing?" asked FMB brightly. "And the War of 1812?"

"Shut up."

"Why are you putting your fingers in me? !" asked past me in a panic. "I-I-I'm topping!"

Past England sat up and sighed. "Every time we've done it so far you've been on top …" He looked past me in the eyes, and it was dramatic. "This time, I want to make love to you."

Past me looked like I was freaking out! "You … you can make love to me with your butt!"

Then past England got annoyed. "Stop being so selfish. You can't top every time—"

"But I waaaaant to!" I whined. "I don't wanna bottom!"

"Oh, your whinging is hardly attractive, America …"

"Can't we just do it like we normally do?"

"It's only fair to switch sometimes. You've had your turn — more than once, actually — now it's mine."

"NOOOOO!" I whined some more. "I don't wanna dick up my ass!"

"Tsk," tutted England. "You'll probably like it."

"Probably?"

Current me looked to the fairies. "Why did you show me this? I don't wanna relive bad memories. You guys are jerks. Especially you, Smokey."

"Eh?" said Smokey.

"Oh, America …" FMB nuzzled up against my cheek, purring like he did before. "We're so sorry to hurt you. But you must understand we are only doing this because we care about you."

"Yes," said the pixies, all nodding. "England loves you and thus so do we."

"What I do?" asked Smokey.

"Just give it a chance!" shouted past England. He was straddling over past me again, but this time forcibly, trying to hold me down.

"No!" I pouted with a McKayla Maroney face. "I don't wanna!"

"You're acting childish! If you want this relationship to work, you're going to have to learn how to compromise! This is an equal partnership, and that means it is only fair to take turns if we both want to top!" Don't be fooled by England's seemingly rational words. He said all that while grinding his cock on my tummy.

"NOOOOOOOO I DON'T WANNAAAAAA!" was my equally eloquent reply.

"Shut up and open your legs!"

"WAAAAAHHHH!"

Wow. Is that what I sound like? Yeesh, cry moar, am I right?

"Christ, fine!" said past England, crawling off me. "I give up!"

"Yaaaaay," said past me.

"I should have known you'd just whine until you get your way," he bitched. "It certainly isn't the first time and it won't be the last."

"Yaaaaaay I get to top."

I didn't see it back then, because I was so happy about England giving in and letting me top him, but current me noticed something. England looked … really unhappy. I saw him sigh quietly, with this look on his face, before he rolled over and let me climb on top of him. He looked sad :(

"Oh," said current me.

I was gonna watch us have past sex, but then the black magical smoke started up again.

"Heeey!" I said. "We were just getting to the good part! You know, where past me puts my past penis in past England's past ass and past fucks him all past night or I guess like a couple past minutes or whatever I mean who's past counting …"

Well, then again, I didn't want those creeper fairies to watch, so I guess it's okey that we left.

"COUGH COUGH," I coughed. That smoke was thick.

"When whining stopped working," began FMB. "You always had an excuse."

Suddenly we were at another point in time. In England's car, a few years later.

Sheepish, nervous-looking, naked me was getting all defensive. "But I can't bottom this time! We don't have any lube and do you really want my first time to not have lube? You're used to it, you'll be okay."

Past England rolled his eyes.

More smoke, and we were in another time, a few years later, in my bed. Also with our naked past selves.

"Ohhh, gosh, I'd love to bottom tonight!" said another past me, shrugging. "Butttttt I've had the runs all day and it's best not to upset the bowels, you know?"

Past England glared back at me.

Once again, the smoke came and went, and half dressed past me and England were on the couch. "Oooh, you know what, England?" I said. "I'd soooo bottom this time, but I think I feel a hemorrhoid coming on. OUCH, am I right?"

England growled and glanced away.

EVEN MOAR SMOKE. That last time, our past selves were naked on top of Canada's igloo.

"Darn, what a shame!" said past me to England. "I was definitely planning on bottoming this time! But I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and you can't have anything in there for two days before the pap smear."

England gave past me this look like REALLY?

"Umm … America?" said FMB. "You do know pap smears are for women, right?"

"I WAS RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES!" I sobbed.

FMB was shaking his head as more smoke came. But this time it lasted longer. Like the very first time it happened. Sparkles everywhere! BRITISH SPARKLE PARTY!

"COUGH COUGH!" I coughed again. "This crap better not be giving me lung cancer or something, COUGH COUGH. Because I will SO sue."

Then the smoke cleared. We were in England's bedroom.

"I'm sure you remember this, tee hee!" said FMB. "Welcome back to the present. Well — almost! This is last night."

"GAHHHHHHH!" I yelled. Oh, yeah! I definitely remember this from last night! FMB had made us appear right when I was banging the hell out of England! "Don't look!"

"OH YEEEEAH!" said myself from last night, humping away. "Oh, God, this is so awesome, England! You're so tight, aw yeah!"

"Hmm," replied England, glancing away. He didn't look quite as excited as me. Weird … caught up in the moment, I didn't notice that last night …

"WHOO!" hollered last night's self. That version of me was really giving it to England good! The bed was thumping and even scooting across the floor a little as I thrust into him. "Aw man, I'm almost there, fffff—"

And then all the magical creatures saw my gasm face :/ My current self blushed in SHAME!

"YEEEEEAH!" last night's self exclaimed as I came in England.

"Already?" I heard England mutter. I didn't hear that last night either! Must have been all the blood pumping around in my body and to my penis.

When last night's self was done blowing my load in England, I sighed happily. And rolled off of him onto the bed.

England sat up, looking down at me.

"ZZZZZZZ,"past me said, because I was already asleep.

"Tsk."

I didn't hear that last night because I had already gone night-night. Look, don't judge! Orgasms make me sleepy. There's science to it — your brain releases calming chemicals called endolphins. I like dolphins.

"OKAY!" said current me, throwing my arms up. "You saw me get laid! Happy now, ya pervs? ! So can we please just leave now?"

"Oh no!" said FMB cheerfully. "That was only part of this scene!"

"Huh? But I'm done. You can see — my wad is trickling out of England's ass. It's finished."

"America, you silly goose! England isn't finished."

"You left him hanging," said Smokey.

"Shut up, Smokey."

England sighed on the bed. He stared at me for a long time. Watching me sleep, looking all remorseful and shit. It was awkward.

"How long does this last?" I asked.

"Just keep watching," said Tinkerbelle.

Finally, after watching me sleep like a creeper, England got up. He walked out the bedroom door and down the hall, still naked.

"Let's go!" shouted FMB.

"NEEEEIGH!" said the unicorn.

And we all followed England down the hall.

"Look, I don't wanna see this," I said as we walked. "I know what happens. England gets pissed and makes some spell and turns me into a girl."

"Don't underestimate us, hehe!" said FMB.

"Ugh …"

We followed England to the bathroom. Oh, I guess he's gotta pee before he plays Harry Potter and makes his spell. Okey then.

Well, that's what I thought. Until I saw him get in the shower.

Oh, okay. He needs a shower. Well, having sex does make you kinda dirty! Sweat and spit and cum and all that jazz.

But when he got in the shower, he didn't even grab his soap or washcloth. All he grabbed was his COCK.

"The hell?" I said.

So then we all watched England jerk it in the shower. The water was like FSSSSSSH but England was just like UH UH UH grunting as he stroked himself. His eyes were squeezed shut, leaning against the wall, jerking away.

"Why is England jacking off?" I asked the magical creatures. "I thought we only did that when we were apart. You know, long distance relationship and all that. But there's no point when we actually get to stay together."

"Perhaps this is a question you should be asking yourself, dear," said one of the Tinkerbelles. They all look alike to me. Sorry if that was racist.

"Hmm …" I said, really trying to think.

"You didn't satisfy him," said Smokey.

"DAMNIT SMOKEY I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT JEEZ!"

"Ohh …" I heard England moaned. His hand was pumping faster now. "America …"

"Hehe," I said. "Well, at least he's fantasizing about me! I mean, if I had heard him moan France's name or something, that would have been an issue. But everyone would prefer clean, cut, happy American dick over smelly, unwashed DRAMATIC French dick, am I right?"

"Keep listening, America dear."

"Ohhh … America …" England kept moaning. His hips arched into his pumping hand. "You look … so ravishing … nggh … yessss …" he whimpered. "I knew you'd love my cock … unff … oh God, the way your arse just eats it up, you're loving this … yesss … beg for more, I want to hear your voice …"

"WHAAAAAA!" I yelled. "What did he say? !"

"Oh yes, oh yes," chanted England, his voice catching. "Take it, America … take my big, thick British cock … mmm … I'm going to hit that spot in you and make you scream …"

"Oh noes," I cried. "England is imagining him topping me! And fapping to it!"

"Excellent deduction," said FMB who suddenly wore a Sherlock Holmes hat and blew bubbles from a pipe.

"This is what gets England off?" I asked them. "He really does wanna put it in me?"

"Indeed." Now the hat and pipe were mysteriously gone. Aww they looked good on him too …

I watched, so confused. "But … but …"

Suddenly England clenched up, pressing back hard against the wall. "Ah, ahh," he grunted. "Americaaaa …" he moaned, and came into his hand. He pumped his cock for a few more seconds, getting the last of it out, and it ran down his hand to mix with the water and go down the drain.

"… oh," I said.

"America, dear," said FMB. He was watching me watch England. "Hold me for a second, okay?"

"Why?"

"You will need to cuddle something when I tell you the next bit of news."

I thought it was weird but I reached out and hugged him to my chest. He purred as he snuggled against my dress. "Okay, I'm holding you. What's this news?"

"England has to masturbate after almost every time you two engage in magical coitus."

"… what is coitus?"

"It's sex," said Smokey.

"WHAT!" I exclaimed. "He has to finish himself off like this all the time? ! Well, that would mean I … I … I'm a bad lover?"

No, it couldn't be true! I'm great at sex! Just ask my hand, it's never had any complaints. And trust me, me and my hand have had PLENTY of sex. Damn Atlantic Ocean cockblocking me with its vast … vastness.

"You're a selfish lover," said Tinkerbelle. "England told you years ago what would satisfy him, and he's told you over and over since, and yet you always refuse him. It's your selfishness that's driven him to have to take care of his sexual needs himself."

"Okay, I get it! But come on, can you blame me? I mean, how many of Y'ALL would want to take a dick up the ass?"

They looked at me like :I

"OKAY FINE!" I yelled at them. "You made your point! I'll let England top me every now and then! HAPPY NOW?"

They just stared at me.

"I said I'd let him every once and a while! Didn't you hear me? Now do your smoky magic thing and take me back to real time."

"Oh, no, America," said FMB. "We have one more thing to show you."

"Yes," said Tinkerbelle. "We showed you the past, and the present, and now we must show you the future if you do not change your ways."

"Every once in a while doesn't cut it," said Smokey. I hate Smokey.

"Waaaait a minute," I said as it clicked in my mind. "I get it! This is just like that famous story! About Ebenezer Scrooge! Except it's not Christmas and this version has cocks in it. But anyway, yeah! Magical beings came and showed me my past and present and fu — oh, CRAP."

"Whatever is the matter, dearie?" asked FMB.

"Y-y-you can't fool me!" I said dramatically. "I know all about this famous story by the Muppets! When they see the future, IT'S DEATH!"

I didn't wanna be dead! That's boring! I don't think they have McDonald's in Hell. I mean, not that I'd go there, I'm just saying.

"NOOOOOO!" I sobbed as the smoke started up again. "I don't wanna see myself dead! That's a total bummer! NOOOOO!"

It was DRAMATIC and ANGSTY and FRIGGIN' CRAZY but then the smoke cleared. I saw a depressing looking guy, sitting in a bean bag chair, food stains on his shirt, stubble on his chin, with a roll of fat around his tummy so big it almost covered up his penis. Oh, I forgot to say his pants were around his ankles.

"Ugh," I said. "Who's the fatty?"

"That's you, America," said FMB. "In the future."

"OH FUDGE!" I exclaimed. Then I was like whatever. "Well … at least I'm not dead, I guess. Though I'm a country so that makes sense."

"Keep watching, America."

I watched fat-slob-future me. I was sitting on the bean bag, pants down, looking at my penis. It was soft and flaccid and sad looking :(

"I don't understand?" said current me. "What am I doing?"

Future me poked at my flaccid penis. And poked and poked and poked. Like how you poke a dead body with a stick. I looked like I was trying to stir it to life. But it was still all limp. Then future me sighed and gave up and ate some Funyuns.

"You see, America," began FMB. "You continue your selfish ways, and eventually, England is fed up and leaves you."

"NO!" I exclaimed.

"Please don't interrupt me!" said FMB. "Now where was I? Oh yes, you are dumped. After England leaves, you fall into a deep, dark depression. You pop Prozac and Zoloft like they are Skittles but it does no good. You are inconsolable. You cannot imagine being with anyone except England and he refuses to take you back."

All the magical creatures hang their heads in sadness.

"NOOOO!" I sobbed, on the verge of crying. "That can't be! England loves me! Also what does that have to do with me poking my penis like that?"

"Ah, that," said FMB. "Due to your deep depression, you become impotent. You wouldn't want to do it with anyone but England anyway, but you are so depressed that you can't even achieve an erection for masturbation."

"You got limpdick," said Smokey.

"GASP!" I gasped. "So … my penis dies? I knew the future would be death! PENIS DEATH! NOOOO!"

Then I collapsed on the floor crying.

"I … I didn't want this to happen," I said in between sniffles. "I don't want England to leave me to become a fat slob on a bean bag chair with a dead dick. OH WOE IS ME!"

Suddenly all the creatures surrounded me. And hugged me.

"AWWWWW!" they all said together. "CONSOLING GROUP HUG!"

FMB was purring as he hugged me. "Just remember, America dear. This is only your future if you continue on the path you are on now. If you change your ways, you can change your future."

"Really?" I wiped away a tear and sniffled. "So if I let England top … this won't happen?"

"That's the idea, tee hee!"

"OH MY GOD I WILL LET ENGLAND TOP ME EVERY SINGLE TIME WE BONE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!" I proudly proclaimed.

"Well, um," started FMB. "Every time is not necessary, just taking turns is all he wanted—"

"SHUT UP, RABBIT," I interrupted. "I said every time. I am a changed dude, like Ebenezer Scrooge. If bottoming were a tangible thing, I'd shout to a tiny child to go buy the biggest, best one and I'd pay for it and share it with the whole town like in the real Muppets story."

"… the fresh hell?" said FMB.

"Well, the important thing is that you learned your lesson," said Tinkerbelle.

"Yeah! Thank you for the enlightenment. OOH HEY … before y'all go … can I have one more group hug? Pwease?"

"Of course, hehe!" said FMB.

"Except you, Smokey."

"Aww," said Smokey.

As the smoke started up again, we all group hugged and for the first time I hugged back, except for Smokey he just floated off to the side by himself forever alone, LOL.

Then the smoke was so thick, I couldn't see a thing.

X

Next thing I knew, I was on the bathroom floor, where I'd originally fallen.

"Huh?" I wondered aloud. What happened? Why was I on the bathroom floor again? Did I bump my head, and was all that a concussion-induced hallucination? I mean, fairies aren't real, after all. A head injury was much more plausible. So was LSD, though I don't recall taking that. On a random note, never ask to see Canada's 'stamp collection.' Those ain't stamps. You'll wake up in the McDonald's PlayPlace talking to the Hamburglar about which of the Jonas Brothers is the cutest. That just ain't right. The Hamburglar is bad — he's not allowed in McDonald's!

Anyway, when I sat up, I realized I wasn't alone. England was kneeling beside me, holding a white powder above my nose.

I quickly shoved him off. "DUDE!" I shouted. "I knew I was tripping balls! You drugged me!"

"Drugged?" scoffed England. "I was trying to help you."

"Um, shoving crack up my nose isn't much help!"

England rolled his eyes. "This isn't crack. They're smelling salts."

"… huh?"

"I revived you. You'd fallen and passed out on the floor."

"… oh."

I looked myself over. My pants were still down from when I was sitting on the toilet. And I was still a chick. DARN IT. Gosh, how I miss my penis. We had some good times. In England.

I paused. What if those fairies and Muppets were right? What if I really do need to bottom more? Or … at all, I guess. Since I've never done it. But … ugh. I really don't want to. Especially if it was all a hallucination. I didn't change my ways after tripping in that PlayPlace. I still hate the Hamburglar, even if he does agree with me that Nick is the cutest.

But if I'm wrong … I end up with a limp noodle for a penis :/

GUESS I'M TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM.

(One dick.)

I stood, pulling my pants up. Then I felt woozy and wobbled.

"Careful," said England. He grabbed my arm to steady me. "You had a nasty fall."

I sighed heavily.

"What's wrong?" asked England.

"I miss my penis," I pouted :( "Also I have to do something I really don't wanna do."

"Your penis will return tomorrow."

Do you guys remember that movie 'Homeward Bound'? With the dogs and cat and they gotta go all this way to get back to their kids? And (SPOILER ALERT) at the end, they wait for them to come over the hill, and the first dog comes back and the young boy is like YAAAY MY DOG! And then the cat comes back and the girl is like YAAAY MY CAT! Then the older dog is supposed to come back to the older boy. But he doesn't. And the boy is like WAHH I KNEW HE COULDN'T MAKE IT HE WAS OLD BOOO HOOO. And you cried. Don't even deny.

Yeah see that's gonna be me. I'm gonna be expecting that penis tomorrow morning and I'm going to be waiting for it and it's not gonna be there! And I'm gonna cry like I cried for Shadow because he was a good dog, you guys. It's just that I don't believe England is not gonna fuck this up.

(Never mind Shadow does make it eventually.) (Spoiler alert again.)

"Why don't you go lie on the bed and I'll bring you some ice for your head?" said England. "It looks a little swollen."

That's not the particular head I wish was swollen, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN. (That was a dick joke if you didn't get it. I was referring to the head of a penis.)

"FINE," I said even though I really didn't want to. I guess my head did hurt. Damn fairies scaring me off the toilet. Toilet time is supposed to be special private time!

So I went to lie on the bed. But I fell asleep so quickly that it was before England even brought me that ice.

X

When I woke up, I was all disoriented. "Wha — huh?" I startled. Wait a minute. This was familiar. England was sleeping beside me. Did this mean …

YESSSSS! I knew it! This WAS all a dream! I knew fairies weren't real! I told England that years ago when I was a kid and I fell off that goat and knocked my tooth out and he said for me to put it under my pillow and the Tooth Fairy would leave me a surprise. What a LOAD. If the Tooth Fairy is so real why hasn't Animal Planet done a show about it like they have with the Loch Ness Monster and the AMERICAN Loch Ness Monster (Champ is his name, hehe) and mermaids and the twelve shows they have about Bigfoot? Surely they have room between that show about cats who are douche bags and the ones (yes, plural) about dumb people fishing.

But they don't. Because fairies ain't real. It was all a very messed up dream. This was what I get for eating airport food before going to bed. Fuck you, Sbarro. You need another vowel. Who do you think you are, with a S and a B together like that?

I was so happy none of that crap was real. I rolled over to England, and started my usual routine. Which was poking him with my morning wood until he woke up.

But when I went to do it, I realized I didn't have any morning wood! I didn't have a penis at all! :O

I sat up and looked down at myself. STILL A CHICK? ! NOOOOO! I was so happy about finally getting my penis back! How could it have been real? ! There's no way! NO WAY YOU GUYS.

England lazily sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Oh, good. You're awake."

"WHERE'S MY PENIS? !"

"Hmm … let me see. I think I left it in the top drawer over there by the door — IDIOT. I told you I changed you into a woman with my magic."

I did not appreciate England's sarcasm :I

"But … but … I thought it was a dream? I woke up and you were beside me …"

"You fell and injured your head so you went to rest. I joined you for a nap," said England. "I was quite tired. I stayed up all night working on that spell."

Yeah and working on your penis. Oh wait that was my fault … oops :/

I looked to the clock. It had only been a couple hours. Damn. It hadn't even been enough time for the spell to go away on its own.

"Does your head still hurt?" asked England.

"Not really."

"Brilliant."

Then I felt his hand on my thigh. I was wearing pants but I still bristled when I felt him do that.

"Are you still angry with me?" he asked, with this look on his face, like he was leering at me.

I was sitting Indian style. His hand was now on the inside of my thigh, rubbing back and forth. Each time he rubbed he went slightly higher.

"Yeah, kinda," I said, frozen. "But … I learned an important lesson today."

"Oh?"

"Barney and his friends taught me it years ago, but I never listened until I heard it from your friends," I said. By the way, when I said Barney's friends, I meant Baby Bop and BJ. (LOL BJ.) Not stupid Riff. Who gives a fuck about Riff? He wasn't one of the originals. "Barney and friends taught me about sharing."

"Eh?"

"Yep. Sharing my body." Okay, Barney never said to share your body specifically — his doctrine was more vague than that. But I'm sure he meant it to be open for interpretation, like the Bible.

"That …" England looked like he was really thinking about that. "… sounds lovely."

"Though I'm still not too crazy about having to take a dick …" I muttered.

"Shhh …" hushed England, pulling his hand away. "Tell you what, when we're done, I'll reverse the spell and turn you back into a man before the twenty-four hours is up."

"WOW REALLY? !" I exclaimed. "WELL ALL RIGHT! WHIP THAT DICK OUT AND LET'S DO THIS!"

I could take a couple minutes of penetration if it meant I'd get my penis back right after! OH JOY :'D I couldn't wait to have my penis back. Oh the things I'm gonna do with it! Hmm, I guess that wasn't very nice of me to call England a thing just then …

If England was anything like me when it comes to sex, this penis-less nightmare would be over in just a couple minutes. Thank the LAWD. Then I can get back to doing MANLY things like pumping iron and watching footballs and taking Enzyte (don't judge, Enzyte is all natural!) (Also it doesn't work.)

So then England pulled his shirt over his head. When he tossed it aside, he gripped the bottom of mine, and nudged up, motioning for me to put my arms up.

I glanced around the room. I wonder if those fairies were watching …

But I put my arms up anyway. England pulled the shirt up and over my head. I was still glancing all around nervously for those fairies as England stared. Stared at my GLORIOUS BREASTS.

All that magic and he couldn't even make me a bra. PSSSH. If England was Harry Potter, Voldemort would have kicked his ass.

"God … they're amazing …"

I flinched as England's hands grabbed my breasts. He groped them good. Just holding them in his hands and feeling them.

"I'm not a cow you're getting ready to milk!" I said. "Did you hear me go MOOOO? No. You did not."

England was really into my tits. Well, he did make them just the way he liked them. Which was apparently BIG. And perky. And friggin' sensitive, because when he gently pinched my nipples, I squeaked like a doggie squeak toy.

"Do you like that?" asked England.

"Uh …" God I hope those fairies weren't in the room. Especially Smokey. He doesn't deserve to see my bodacious rack. He's not ready for this jelly.

Suddenly England was easing me back onto the bed. My head was on the pillow. Weird to be on this side of it. Normally, I'm the one who pushes England. One time I accidentally pushed him into the wall and it knocked down my Indian Dream Catcher. I was like NOOOOO MY DREAMS! Then I had nightmares about Slenderman for WEEKS :(

Anyway, England had climbed on top of me. He leaned down to kiss me. Our mouths pressed together, and our tongues slid against each other, and we kept doing that for a few minutes. Auugh I could have been almost done by now if I was topping! The clock's ticking. I don't want some long, drawn-out make out session.

But we kept on macking on each other. England's tongue is a very persistent thing. It really like being in my mouth. So I let him explore and lick all around. Anything to get my penis back. Finally, his mouth released mine, and he slid a little down my body.

"Oh good," I said, wiping my mouth. It was a little drooly. "You're gonna get this over with now, right?"

England cupped one of my breasts. (The left one, if it matters.) With his thumb and index finger, he rubbed my nipple between them.

"Yes, yes, you like my boobs. I get it. Can we please just — OH JEEZUS."

England had put his mouth around my nipple! HIS MOUTH. Then he sucked. He sucked it good.

"EEEEuuurrgh," was the weird noise I made when I shivered. I wasn't expecting that. I thought he was just gonna put his dick in me. That's how sex normally goes. Dick in, hump hump hump, GLORIOUS ORGASM, sleepy time. Yep, that's how sex goes.

England pulled back and let go, looking up at me with hooded eyes and a cocky smirk on his face. His lips were still right above my nipple. He gave it one more tease with his tongue before looking back to my face for a reaction.

"S-stop screwing around!" I said. "And screw me already!"

"Heh heh …" he chuckled lowly. I thought he was gonna listen to me, but NOPE! Instead, he took my other breast in his mouth. "Mmmm …" he moaned as he sucked on the nipple. I felt his tongue swipe against it and I sucked in a big breath. I'd played with England's nipples before, but for some reason he'd never touched mine before. So this was what it felt like. Hmm … did I like it?

Well, the fact that I was starting to get a little wet probably means something.

Finally, England pulled back, and my nips were so hard I could work at Jared's as a diamond cutter. Both from England sucking all up on them and now from where his drool was cooling and making me cold. I got goosebumps.

"Are you cold, love?" asked England. His fingers trailed down my belly, feeling all the little goosebumps.

"Please don't call me that …"

"I'm sorry, poppet."

AUGH that was even worse. But I didn't say anything. I just wanted to get this over with and get my penis.

England backed up and I saw him reach for his pants zipper. "Don't worry, I'll warm you up." Pssh, what a line. It takes a little more than that to impress a classy gal like me, okey?

England unzipped himself, and stepped off the bed for a moment to slide out of his pants. I watched in a different way than I normally do. Normally I'm like 'hells yeah, get them pants off so I can sink myself deep in your tight little ass, UNF DAT ASS! !' But this time, I wasn't looking at dat ass. I was looking and waiting to see his dick. It would be momentarily inside me, and while I've seen it many times before, I've never looked at it in a sizing up kinda way. Like 'how much is this gonna hurt me when it goes in?' kinda way. Because, well, it never went in me before.

England was then just in his underwear. Tighty whiteys. Pfft, nice. WHAT A TURN ON /sarcasm

But then he rolled them down. And his hard cock flopped out.

And I whimpered.

"Eeeek …" That was going in me? For kinda a small guy England was kinda packing. I mean, he wasn't as big as me, but still. That was a decent sized dick. And THICK. I bolded that to emphasize the thickness.

He climbed back on the bed, crawling in front of me.

"Spread your legs," he said, pushing my knees apart.

Hmm. England did know I still had the pants on, right? Hard to do it with pants on. I didn't have any underwear on, all he had to do was slide those pants off — he didn't even have to unzip them they were so loose on me. What was he waiting for? !

Just then, I felt his hand cup me between the legs. I shuddered as he pressed it hard against my girly bits.

"God," said England. "I can't wait to be inside you."

THEN WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? ! I wondered. But I didn't say it. If I piss him off, this would just take even longer.

England started rubbing me over the fabric of the pants. Grinding his hand against my … lady folds. Whatever the hell they're called. What am I, a doctor? They're girly parts and all I know about is MAN PARTS.

"How does it feel to be on this side, America?" asked England. His hand was still grinding me.

"Not as good as the other side."

I said that, but I was getting so wet. Something about England's hand, the way it was stroking me, even over the fabric … damn. My girly bits really seemed to like that.

"Well, unlike you, I try to make sure my partner is enjoying themselves," said England. "So to hear that is disappointing."

"It's okay. I didn't expect to like it anyway."

"Hmm."

England gave me one last rub, one that hit a certain spot and made me go EEEK again. Then he pulled away his hand. "You say that, but you're so wet the outside of your pants are damp now."

I soaked all the way through? ! SWEET JEEZUS. What was with this female body and why was it getting so turned on by England? !

I didn't say anything as England slid my pants down. I just looked away, with a blush of shame of my face. Who knew as a girl I was kinda slutty! Apparently my body wanted it bad …

Then my pants were off and on the floor. England took a moment to just stare at me, now completely naked in front of him, his eyes leering and hungry like I was a scone.

"Damn," he said, smirking. "I am quite proud of my magic. I did wonderful work on that body."

"QUIT PERVING AND GET THIS OVER WITH!"

Gosh, how long does it take to whip your dick out and put it in? SOOOOOO SLOW. This must be how snails have sex.

… actually, no, it's not. Because snails actually have sex by something called 'traumatic insemination.' Which means that the male must brutally pierce the female's body, forcing open an injury for a hole, and then inject his sperm in the open wound. Yeah, really. *THE MOAR YOU KNOW*

At least it wasn't that bad.

Well, I braced myself. England would take his penis and put it in my vagina and hump me for a bit and that would be the end of it. Finally. I took a deep breath and just kept telling myself when this was over I would have my penis again and also my balls so when England goes and gets his after-sex tea I'll make a tea-bagging joke just like I always do. It never gets old, you guys. "HAHAHA ENGLAND LIKES TEA-BAGGING!" "Yes, I do, America, it's how you make a proper cup of tea." "LOLOLOLOL TEA-BAGGING!"

I squeezed my eyes and waited for it. I hope he couldn't tell I was trembling …

But I didn't feel a penis go into my girly entrance. Instead I felt his mouth again. On my … girly parts.

"EEEEEEK ENGLAND!" I yelped. I immediately sat up, my muscles all tense. I looked down and saw England spreading those lady folds with his fingers, and his tongue all up in there.

"You … you don't gotta do that," I said, shaking. "Just put it in and get this over with."

He pulled his tongue away just long enough to say, "Lie back down. You'll like it."

"Grrr …" I muttered, but listened to him anyway. My head was back on the pillow. I couldn't see what he was doing. I could only feel it. I felt him swirl his tongue in a circle. I didn't know what he was circling around, but I felt super tingly near there. Super sensitive. Whatever he was doing was so arousing that it was making me even wetter.

Suddenly, he stopped circling that spot. And licked directly on it. It felt so sensitive when he did that, I had to sit up again.

"Oh lawd …" I whimpered. "What are you doing to me …"

"Heh heh …" he chuckled, his mouth still buried between my legs. He licked again at that spot. It was hard and firm right there, and damn, if it didn't feel so good that my legs twitched.

I felt a little bad. As a guy, I almost never gave England oral. What can I say? Blowjobs aren't that fun to give, especially when you're giving them to a guy who tastes as bad as his cooking. Seriously. A mouthful of that will make your eyes water.

"God …" said England, his lips just above my … whatever that thing was. "I've missed this smell. It turns me on so much. So … earthy …"

"England, you are the biggest pervert EVAR." Then I blushed and looked away, saying very quietly, "Also what are you doing that feels so good?"

"Haven't you had sex with a woman before, America?" he asked, grinning up at me all lusty. "Well, I suppose even if you have, you're such a selfish lover that you probably didn't pay much attention to the clitoris."

"The what?"

He went "Tsk" before lowering his head again. This time he actually closed his lips around that spot. And gave it a powerful suck.

"Oh God," I said quickly, putting my hands on the back of his head. I tried to push him a little deeper. "Keep … keep doing that."

England sucked more, and I wasn't trembling from nervousness anymore, but from pleasure. I shook, digging my fingers into his hair. My breathing was crazy. I kept making little gasping noises as my breath hitched every time England sucked. But that was okey, because my face was contorted (and looked a bit dopey, I'm sure) with pleasure.

Finally, he released his mouth, and my girly bits were sad. He teased me a little longer. He flicked his tongue over that swollen, sensitive nubby thingy. He flicked in weird movements, like he was trying to write the alphabet with his tongue.

"Jesus," I panted.

I think he was on P, maybe Q, when he suddenly sat up. I thought he was cockblocking (twat-blocking?) me, but then his fingers picked up where his mouth left off. He didn't penetrate me with them. Instead he rubbed that spot with two of them. He rubbed vigorously, like really fast, in tiny circles. Not around, but directly on it. He kept rubbing and rubbing and rubbing and then—

I came. I came super hard. It was more intense and lasted longer than any other orgasm I'd ever had, even those I had inside England. England kept rubbing those little circles through the whole orgasm, as it kept going and going. He kept rubbing until it was completely over, and that spot felt so sensitive now it was actually a bit painful.

I grunted when it became uncomfortable like that. England got the hint and withdrew his hand. It was very wet and sticky.

I panted for a moment, still riding the high. I collapsed against the bed as I tried to steady my breath.

I heard the creak of the bed, and when I opened my eyes, I saw that England was straddling over me. I looked between our bodies and saw him rubbing my girly juices on his cock.

"Tell me when you're ready," he said.

"Uh … gimme a minute. It's still a little sensitive."

"All right."

He didn't move as he waited. He just stayed there, hovering above me. He started pumping his cock in anticipation. I watched, seeing just how hard and thick it really was, watching the foreskin roll up and down his shaft, saw my juices mix with the tiniest of pre-cum collecting at the tip …

Aw, damn. I was getting horny again already. This is all it takes to be ready for round two for chicks? A few seconds? Those lucky bitches! I friggin' hate refractory periods! They're so annoying! But as a chick, my little nubby thing was hard and swollen and eager for more.

"OKAY I'M READY."

"Splendid."

I felt England drop his cock heavily on my belly. Then he slowly dragged it down, leaving a trail of our juices along the way. When he got to my girly parts, he stopped. And gripped his cock.

"What was that thingy called again?" I asked. "The thing that felt really good when you sucked and rubbed it?"

"The clit," he said. "Really, America? Didn't you learn this in school?"

No. No, I did not learn how to eat out a chick at school, England :I

I dunno what goes on in YOUR school systems …

Anyway, England had grabbed his cock. He had it in his hand and I curiously looked down at it. Why was I getting wetter just thinking about him putting it in? I've spent years avoiding that dick penetrating me! And now I had my legs spread, anxiously waiting, literally dripping wet as I watched him prepare to put it in? What did England and those fairies do to me? !

I suddenly gasped. England lightly slapped me in the clit with his cock. He did it a couple times, and my legs twitched so hard they tried to snap closed, but were blocked by England. He gave me one more slap in the clit before taking his cock and grinding it against there. He rubbed and I keened. Then he slid it back, into my lady folds, getting himself plenty slick with my juices.

My clit was THROBBING.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST JUST PUT IT IN ALREADY!" I shouted.

Whoa. I couldn't believe it. I've been avoiding that dick for so long. And now I was literally begging for it! :O What kind of sorcery is this?

"As you wish," said England, who seemed amused at what I said.

His cock pressed against my girly entrance. I bit my lip as I felt him push inside. Because even though I was as wet as Hurricane Katrina, I was still a VIRGINAL MAIDEN, and thus tight as fuck.

"Shit," gasped England. "You're tight as fuck."

Told ya.

It only took a couple seconds and he was all the way in. He paused, letting me adjust, because I was squirming like crazy.

Aw, crap. It hurt. I knew it would hurt! This was why I avoided taking it for so long! How could I have gotten so caught up in enjoying the foreplay that I forgot? ! Oh sure, oral is just fine and dandy, but once you got a dick up inside you it's a different story.

England slowly started rocking inside me. I leaned my face to the side and bit the pillow. "Urrghh …" I groaned in pain.

"I'm sorry," said England. He leaned his head down and kissed my collarbone. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No …" I said, spitting out the pillow. If he did, I would have done all this, and still not gotten to turn back into a guy earlier. I came this far — I mean I got a cock inside me. There's no point in turning back now.

Though he could have been a little gentler. He was at first, but after the first minute or so, he sped up. He heard me groan again when he did that but he kept going. I mean, I guess he wasn't rough, per se. Just … average pace. But still! Any pace is a lot to take!

"Still … doing … all right?" panted England in between thrusts.

"I guess …" I mumbled. My face was still turned away from him, staring hardcore into the wall.

Even though it hurt, England's cock inside me was driving my clit wild. The more he thrust into me, the longer and harder he went at it, the more it throbbed. It wanted so bad to be touched. But England was too busy pounding into me to tend to that.

So I tried to reach down. Maybe I could do it myself. I could rub it like England did. Oh God it would feel so good …

But I couldn't reach :/ Not the way England had me pinned.

I was getting a bit sexually frustrated. But then I realized, something was gradually starting to feel good somewhere else. Like, inside me. Each time England pushed himself inside, I felt it a little more. It was building up. A little more pleasurable each time.

"Oh God," I said out loud, arching myself. Another minute or so of this and I was gonna cum again. Even if it hurt. Actually, it was starting to hurt a lot less. The pleasure was drowning it out. Just a few more thrusts … I was so close … so close that each time he shoved himself in it was like a mini orgasm, and I thought to myself I could stay like this forever it felt so good, and then I thought, no way, no way could I do that, I would go crazy, even with it feeling so good, being this close without release, I needed it, I could feel it, I was just about there.

Then England pulled out.

And I lost it.

"I was so close, damnit!" I said, giving him a shove. "And you went and came like five seconds too soon! UGH!"

"Sorry to disappoint you …" he said in a low voice.

I guess I couldn't judge. He lasted a lot longer than I normally did. But still! I was SO CLOSE! Just a few more seconds and I would have had such an amazing gasm!

"Seriously," I said, very frustrated. "Leaving me hanging like this … what kind of man are … you …" I sorta trailed off. When I looked down, I noticed something. There was no cum leaking out of me. There was no messy trail back to England's limp penis. Mostly because he wasn't limp at all. He was still very hard, still straddling over me, staring down at me. "… huh? You didn't cum?"

"No."

"WHAT! Then why did you pull out? !" Then it hit me. "Oh God. You did this to teach me a lesson, didn't you? ! For all those times I was selfish and came before you and didn't even make sure you came at all! OH LAWD I'M A TERRIBLE LOVER!" I sobbed. "I get it! The fairies were right all along! I promise, England! FROM NOW ON, YOU CAN TOP WHENEVER YOU WANT!" And then I bawled like a little baby.

"Hmm," said England. "I didn't think of that."

"… huh?"

"Though I'm quite appreciative of the offer and will take you up on it," he said. "I actually pulled out so I could do this."

"… do what?"

And then England was inside me again. But not in my girly parts, oh no. He was in my ass.

"MY BUTT!" I exclaimed. Oh God that hurt even more! At least the vagina was meant for stretching. It even makes its own lube! (Very convenient, by the way. To not have to go find some every time. Also saves you money!) But the ass … not so much.

Luckily England's cock was still pretty slick with my girly juices.

"Jesus Christ …" England whimpered, deep inside me. "It's even tighter … fuck …"

My hands were balled into the sheets for dear life. "I-I wasn't expecting that!"

"I've wanted this for so long …" England started another rhythm, thrusting in and out of my ass. "You've had me so many times … and now … your arse is all mine."

Oh no … my arse! I mean, my ass. Being pounded with BRITISH COCK. I felt like he was even rougher then. More than when he was in my girly regions. Judging by the way he was grunting and moaning, he was really enjoying this.

I should have hated it. It was super tight and hurt and stung and I didn't even have a prostate to hit to make it feel good. It should have been miserable.

Yet it was driving my clit wild. WHAT GIVES?

Why was this turning me on? ! I'm NOT a bottom! I've always been a top! A POWER top! Hehe, yeah. Well, I guess that promise I made to England wouldn't be so bad, now that I learned a little bit about myself …

(That little bit being that I apparently liked bottoming too.)

England didn't last long in my ass. A couple minutes and I felt him jerk. He froze and trembled, then roll off and collapsed beside me.

I sat up and looked down. At the cum dribbling down from my asshole. So this was what England felt like all those times … wet and sticky …

And left hanging, sexually unsatisfied :/

I sighed and hung my head. I guess I deserved it. For all those times I was selfish and did it to England.

"Don't be so sad, love," said England. I opened my eyes and he was kneeling beside me. Whoa, he recovers quickly! "I told you I like to make sure my partner is satisfied."

"… yeah?"

"Yes. And I think you learnt your lesson."

"BOY DID I!"

"Heh … lean back again, would you?"

I eagerly did as England told me. As soon as my head hit the pillow, England shoved two fingers inside me. (My girly hole, not the butt one.) He hooked the fingers up toward me, still inside me, and starting pushing them in and out like that.

I gasped. He was hitting that same spot inside me from before. The spot that gradually started feeling good. It didn't take as long as before, since I was all warmed up. It felt good almost immediately. He worked his fingers fast and hard, at a furious pace, hitting that spot over and over. It wasn't long before I came, and I felt the pleasure course through my entire pelvis instead of one spot, and it just kept going and going, even longer than the first one, so intense my entire body shook with shockwaves.

It gradually tapered off and stopped, and it took so much out of me, that I could only lay there motionless as I recovered.

England pulled his fingers out. They'd gotten so wet they looked all pruney, like when you stay in the bath too long.

He curled up beside me, and we fell asleep together.

X

When I woke up, I was alone. I was a bit disappointed at that. But then I realized I was a guy again, and leaped for joy!

I hit my head on the ceiling, but that was okey! I HAD MY PENIS BACK!

"Oh, penis!" I said excitedly, petting it like a doggie. "I'm so happy you're back, little buddy! I missed you so much! Come here, gimme a hug."

After I finished hugging my penis, I went to find England. Yes, naked. What, you think I'm gonna stuff my poor penis back in some clothes after being without him for so long? Hell no. I'm showing him to the WOOOORLD. Be free, my precious penis!

So anyway, I went throughout the house, looking for England. When I found him, he was sitting in an armchair, doing needlepoint.

I was about to say something, as he hadn't noticed me, but then he suddenly set his needlepoint aside. "Well, hello there," he said to his lap. Huh? Did England talk to his penis like I talk to mine? Maybe he suddenly got a random boner or something.

Then I heard purring.

Wait a minute … England doesn't have a cat …

"Thank you so much," said England, looking around at nothing. "All of you. I greatly appreciate it."

What the …

"I'll have you know, it was successful," he said to nothingness. "Very successful. I expect to be topping much more often now."

England smiled all big, and I was thoroughly creeped out.

"Oh?" said England suddenly, looking down at his lap. He was petting the air above it. "What's that, Flying Mint Bunny? Oh, you cheeky little monkey! I think one supernatural epiphany is enough, eh?"

Silence. England stared at his lap.

"… do another in which we convince America to perform oral sex at a great quantity because right now he hates it and refuses to do it for me?" said England like he was repeating something.

What … no … I don't like the taste!

"Why, that's a splendid idea!" said England.

Oh crap, this was really gonna happen …

England smirked at his lap. "Go fetch me the spell books, would you?"

D:

(The end!)


End file.
